The Muffet Caper


Little Miss Muffet—that’s Sandra Muffet, of the Nebraska Muffets, the curds and whey heiress, who’d recently gotten out of the state loony bin after long and delicate therapy for trauma she’d suffered at the Wild Arachnid Park during her Confirmation Party, which had been the talk of North Omaha—sat on a tuffet in the Beervana A-Go-Go nursing a beer. She’d been told by her therapist that she really needed to start mixing with people again and was giving it a try.
Several guys tried to strike up a conversation, including a bear named Cassaday, but she was too nervous for that her first night out, when along came a spider—and while the spider in question claims he had nothing to do with the infamous events of the Confirmation party, he’s unable to account for his whereabouts during those events; he claims to have been catching and poisoning fireflies all night, but his web didn’t show the kind of damage that takes.
Anyway, this spider, who goes by the name Spider Joe, sat down at the next tuffet and started to make what he claims was innocent small talk with Miss M. Other patrons of the Beervana A-Go-Go say that Spider Joe was a little drunk on liquefied grasshopper innards, and had mistaken Miss M for a hooker. Anyway, whether he was just passing the time of day or propositioning her, she took it badly. According to the bartender, she shrieked “Aaaah! Not you again! Haven’t you ruined my life enough already, you disgusting eight-legged freak?!” and threw her beer right into his multi-faceted eyes.
She then fled, pursued by Cassaday, who has been known to do a little strong-arm work for Spider Joe from time to time. Cassaday swears she got into a late-model Volkswagen and sped off into the night, but she never made it home. Spider Joe did leave the bar for about twenty minutes after Cassaday returned, and at that point appeared to be in possession of a large quantity of curds and whey which he shared out among the patrons, particularly the more attractive ones.
Since then Spider Joe’s been spotted in the company of Miss Belinda Muffet, who of course controlled the whole family business while Sandra was in the nuthouse, and who will inherit the whole thing if Sandra is declared dead. Spider Joe seems to have an unlimited supply of curds and whey to share with his friends or pass out in return for favors done by the Beervana A-Go-Go’s trollop squad.
But they tell a story, in the Beervana, that anyone who sits on that particular tuffet hears an unsettling voice that cries, “Avenge me! Avenge me! It was Spider Joe! Avenge me!”
Police investigation is proceeding, but for information on that, you’ll have to buy the book.

This was written five years ago, for reasons too odd and tangential to explain. Having run across it, though, I figured I’d share.


Gandalf the Grey
Gandalf the Grey
Castin’ lotsa spells ’cause he’s a wizard all the way!
Rides around on Shadowfax
Faster than the breeze
Ladies all love Gandalf
And he never cuts the cheese!

First in a series. If the Other Characters in Lord of the Rings Went Around Singing Little Songs of Praise About Themselves, Like That Annoying Tom Bombadil.
There is no second entry in the series.